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September 18, 2008

My CSI Idea: Fish in Penis

Candiru I read a newspaper article and I started laughing. Before anyone thinks I’m cruel or callous, I laughed that “you’ve got to be kidding,” laugh. It wasn’t a malicious laugh, but I couldn’t help entertain thoughts about God. Now if you take God as a literal creator, then you’d arrive at the conclusion that God would be female after this scenario:

A boy in India was taken to hospital after experiencing agonizing pain and dribbling urine. Doctors found a teeny weeny fish in his bladder.

It may seem like a Ripley’s Believe it or Not story but it’s true. Further reading took me to the usual corner, Wiki, and yes, there is a fish that has a nasty habit of going for the genitals. It’s called Candiru and it’s a parasitic freshwater catfish and it tends to swim into the vagina, penis and get into the bladder via the urethra, and the fact that it has protruding spines adds to the agony. It’s a tricky little fish; its translucence makes it difficult to see. The reason behind its attraction to genitals? Its attraction to the taste and smell of urine. The fish behind the Indian incident hasn’t been confirmed as Candiru (Candiru lives in The Amazon), but it’s similar to a Candiru attack.

You could definitely see this parasitic critter having a starring role in one of the CSI episodes:

Betrayed female (spouse, lover, girlfriend, stalker) seeks revenge, abducts the love of her life, and in a scene that could be straight from Hostel (even though it has never appeared in Hostel or Hostel II), plunges him in a bath filled with Candiru fish. Weeks later, after the fish has caused its host to hemorrhage (its spines rubbing against mucous membranes and the fact that psycho female hasn’t sought medical help for her victim), a body is discovered on a beach, the body is taken to the morgue and the medical examiner is perplexed. The dead man hasn’t drowned, and he hasn’t taken a dip in the sea water. What could have killed the poor bugger? And in a scene that is as gross as the itty-bitty alien bursting through John Hurt’s abdomen in Alien, the medical examiner hears a slight gurgling sound from the  man’s nether regions, and to his/her horror, sees an eel-like micro-fish wriggling out of the man’s half eaten urethral opening. Now, if it is the medical examiner in CSI: Miami, she’d say something like, “ooh baby! What’s this little fishy doing down there?” If it’s the medical examiner in CSI (Las Vegas), he’d be stoic, but his eyes would widen somewhat - this dude is so experienced, nothing fazes him, not even a scary little penis eater.
This is followed by the traditional gallery of macro forensic shots charting the possible entry of the parasite: penis, urethra and bladder - in order. After the medical examiner delivers the cause of death, you either have Horatio or Grissom (only because I think CSI: New York is boring with a capital B) frown in amazement (and slight revulsion, after they realize that the fish was in the dead man’s penis), step in  and order the other CSI grunts to look into every Candiru shipment that entered the United States.

Horatio would say: “Aquariums, museums, labs…get on it now. This little sucker gives me the creeps.”
Grissom would say: “Interesting…” (then he’d head to his personal library and read up on Candiru).

We then enter a maze of illegal fish imports, mysterious disappearances that involve gambling (“which poor sucker can outlast the Candiru? Taking bets now...) and the odd scary parental tale told to kids, “don’t stay in the bath tub too long…the Candiru will get you!”

It’s one way to shorten bath-time…

Suggested title for my imaginary CSI episode:

GONE FISHING

Yeah…it’s a killer huh?

Ps: if you’re thinking of holidaying along the Amazon, don’t even think about skinny dipping or any kind of dipping - the Candiru will (most likely) get you. Me, I’d rather have a case of the crabs…I told housemate about my CSI idea. He told me I was sick ("only a sick person would think of a story like that"...me: "it may be sick, but at least it's a little different from your garden type variety crime". Seriously, how many more serial killers and gunshots can one tolerate?), you know, like it's not sick to see bludgeoned bodies on a crime show? Hello? You can see a bloodied/battered body on prime time television, but a boob? No chance, and I'm sick?

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Comments

That is a stellar idea, and disturbingly hilarious! I can't decide if I like Horatio or Grissom at the helm. I watched a documentary about this guy who peed in a river - he wasn't in the water, he was on land. The Candiru fish swam up the stream...OUCH!

He lost like 60% of his manhood and said the pain made him pass out. What an imaginative story line:)

It's strange, you know. It all unfolded less than five minutes after I read the Daily Telegraph article. I got to thinking about all the overdone gunshot murders, stabbings and the usual variety of prime time television criminal gore. The only reason why I watch CSI Miami and the original is because of the leading actors. As for CSI New York, Gary Sinise lacks the forensic edge, he's far too prim and proper, when having a daily dose of morgue visits and seeing dead bodies leads to personality quirks, but he could be as dull as a Wall Street financial grunt or a bureaucrat playing that role.

I cracked up!!! Your imagination knows no bounds. Keep imagining.

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