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21 posts categorized "Television"

July 24, 2008

Farmer Wants Sex

In Australia, a spade isn’t called a spade. The ocker variety will call a spade a ‘fucking shovel,’ and this sums up their grace or social finesse and here’s the other thing: the truth hurts.

Farmer Our rural version of ‘The Bachelor’ sees a small group of farmer lads looking for a wife. Aptly titled, ‘Farmer Wants a Wife (because he's sick and tired of beating the meat and lazy to go out and look?),’ the show is Bachelor-esque in its format. Each male farmer finally chooses two girls to woo and what a terrible predicament for the women? But women don’t worry about these things. The modern woman doesn’t mind being second best, or placing herself in a position to be second best. So much for autonomy, independence or self-esteem. And I think that is my main critique of shows like The Bachelor, or Farmer Wants a Wife. Viewers may put them down to ‘TV’ but they contain people who sign off on being displayed to a nation and when those people are women, it can only make one ask what the hell feminism was for?

One farmer who has entered the halls of newspaper fame is Farmer James. To some, James may be ‘a breath of fresh air’ (a phrase - along with “so refreshing” - that is as overdone as a rubbery steak). This 36 year old farmer decided to blast his two picks. I don’t get it. He picked them, and defends his view. According to James, other male contestants had as many as 200 female applicants. He only had 24 women show interest.

One, two, three…

“Awwwwwww”

The thing that annoys me about these sorts of shows is that they tend to reinforce the view that women ought to be ‘going to them.’ The men just sit on their arse, and expect women to fly out to them, like an Avon lady or something, and this is rife in our society. Firstly, it’s not assertive and women who kid themselves by saying they’re being proactive, are kidding themselves. There is nothing proactive about being the 199th applicant to ‘get a potential husband.’  Farmer James ruined the finale of the show. It’s clear that he didn’t end up with either of his two picks.

He chose Cherie and Toni as his final two and didn’t give them great compliments.
Of Cherie, he said: “I chose Cherie because I thought she was a character, but once I got to know her she was as rough as guts. She needed a 44 gallon of spit to shine her up! The only reason I picked her was because I didn’t have much choice.” (if you gaze at the picture above, you'll see how glamorous James is. He's a model isn't he? So he is in the perfect position to criticize a woman's looks huh? Why is it that average or below average guys criticize a female's looks?)

Of Tonie, he said: “Toni was the next pick - she’s got her head screwed on and owns a house, but I’m really looking for someone younger. She’s 36 and when someone is that age, the old body clock is ticking. You want to know someone a couple of years before you jump into (having kids).”

Thus, there are no happy campers in this episode. Viewers hoping to see James make up his mind, will have to make do with the fact that he is yet another unsatisfied male who wanted a wider choice. It’s easy James, how about you relocate to the city and you’ll have a galactic choice, and you’ll still won’t be any closer to making your mind up, because you only want a young looker who fucks well, and there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but the hypocrisy is nauseating. Some of these men pretend they want a ‘relationship’ when they only want to play the field, and these farmers, due to their limited choices (based on their location), expect women from the city to fight tooth and nail for them. Come on…what’s there to fight over when the city is crawling with stockbrokers, lawyers and commercial bankers? Cleaning cow shit isn’t going to help these girls into Jimmy Choos, and that’s the other thing. These female contestants, are ‘supposedly’ willing to make do with a farmer when they’re clearly not cut out for waking at 4am to clean livestock turd.

I guess the saying, ‘people get what they deserve,’ does ring true. James gets a big eff all for his faux intentions and the girls get an asshole in return. My view is that these farmers have no idea what they want - especially James - and some of them camouflage their true intentions. Many want to get laid. They probably haven’t been laid for a year or more. What are the chances when you’re living in Woop-Woop?

June 09, 2008

Barbie Doll Tantrums & Boganese

We are halfway through the Australian Big Brother season, and it’s been interesting - no, not Big Brother - but the reaction my son has when he watches it.

It was as I was scrubbing the bathtub that I heard him yell out.

“Mum! Oh my God!!!!”

I thought he dropped another glass, and stopped to take in the clang of shattering glass, but nothing.

“Yuck..!”

Maybe the cat coughed up another eeky fur ball? After the third, “Oh my God…yuck-yuck-yuck!” I couldn’t help but return with my own matronly yell…

“What!”

I dumped the Jif and the scourer, and headed out, almost slipping on sud puddles on the tile floor (stupid floor drain needs Draino).

“What happened? Hello?”

“Rory was feeling Rhianna’s arse!!!!”

Who is Rory? Rory is the shower challenged housemate in Big Brother who happens to have a roach motel perched on his head. Rhianna is the most recent intruder: blonde, single yummy mummy.

“So what?” I asked. Isn’t butt fondling a typical male mating ritual?
“Yuck.”

I do honestly think the yuck was reserved for Rory’s hair. Recently, one of the female housemates remarked on its stench. Is there such a thing as clean smelling dreadlocks?

Then the other drama, that follows eviction, are evicted housemate hand grenades, where the evictee unleashes an act of bastardry onto a housemate. The positive side of this week’s elimination was the eviction of crass uber bogan Renee. Her chosen punishment was allocated to Brigitte. Renee decided to tear up a letter from Brigitte’s family. Brigitte - to my surprise - is like an interesting (and fun-to-watch) version of Paris Hilton. I personally think that all the wogs got back at Renee for having a bitch fight with Bianca, and voted her out. Either that, or people became fed up with being unable to comprehend the second worst language -no not Pig Latin, but Boganese.

Brigitte’s request to Big Brother - in the diary room - was:

“Renee I hate you and I think you’re a bitch. I hope you fall down and break your face open.”

Brigitte is the token blonde in the house, but she is a classic to watch.

Her ultimate parting shot to Big Brother, after his refusal to relay the message to Renee was:

“I hate you Big Brother,’’ and she then blew a raspberry into the camera. And Rory's desperate housewife crush, Rhianna is pissed with Brigitte for saying what she feels about Renee, which is funny considering Rhianna initially felt sorry for Brigitte and said - prior to entering the house - that she'd like to be Brigitte's bestie. Rhianna is a desperado who thinks of the Big Brother house as a potential love shelter - where she can pick and choose a stray male to take home.

Brigitte to win Big Brother 2008.

June 06, 2008

2 Dicks in the Morning & I 'Heart' Diane Sawyer

It ought to be a crime reporting celebrity gossip shortly after 5 in the morning, with a loud out there 'hey girl!' tone. Richard Reid is my latest pet hate. He may be a nice guy in real life, but when I hear his voice before 6am, I want to do an Elvis on my LCD TV. There I am, dozing in front of the television at this ungodly time of day (it's the only way to keep up with decent news broadcasts), and then I'm awakened by Nine's Morning Show, or Reid's Hollywood gossip segment (via Richard Wilkins's entertainment segment – it's confusing really, I just name it The Two Dicks), and this morning's gossip wasn't anything minor or Britney-esque. It was of Hilton proportions.

I opened my eyes, almost startled by Reid's lighthouse teeth, and didn't know what was more shocking – his teeth and voice, or his latest chirp about Paris Hilton's rumored pregnancy.

Really, it's the type of news that would have anyone on edge because it would mean weeks (and weeks, actually nine months work) of steady media coverage. First, we'd begin with the baby bump, for Paris to transform her pregnancy into a galactic cash cow (with polypropylene string method udders), which would see some mass retailer like Wallmart spawn a Paris Hilton maternity line, and my God, can you imagine? Not that the average pregnant woman would be able to fit into a Hilton-esque pair of maternity trousers.
It was as Reid finished his segment, as I gnashed my teeth (yet again, because Richard Wilkins drives me nuts), thinking "the most pitiful two dicks a little after 5 in the morning," and why can't Australian morning television have anchors like Diane Sawyer. I've watched GMA over the last few weeks – late nights, crap sleep cycles – and have grown fond of Diane Sawyer (she has the ideal morning voice, and she is damned pretty: I want to look like her when I'm 62), and just as GMA finishes, and Nine's morning show and Lisa and Karl enter the scene, I want to scream. It's like going from a cotton-candied dream to a crude nightmare, for the Two Dicks to follow.

My open letter to Nine's CEO is as follows:

Dear Head Honcho aka David Gyngell,

Is it possible for Nine to have Diane Sawyer as a guest presenter for a week on The Today Show. Please, pretty please...I'll shine your shoes. I'll be your office slave for a week (because that's all I can tolerate - and even that transcends Armstrong's leap on the moon).


May 24, 2008

TV Schedules Suck in Australia

We had a mini crisis the other day. The news was in, and it didn’t thrill us in the slightest degree. We even considered applying for pay TV: Foxtel or some other network. Why? What happened?

Another stupid game show is what happened.

There is no more Antiques roadshow on Channel 9 because the ‘new and improved’ (my favorite oxymoronic term of all time) Wheel of Fortune is set to arrive on Monday,  with two perky hosts, one of whom is now more famous  for being Anthony Callea’s boyfriend, and it’s not just ‘The Wheel of Fortune,’ it is the ‘Million Dollar Wheel of Fortune.’

History, art and culture goes out the window for superficial game show bullshit.

My one suggestion to Channel 9?

Can they please get rid of that shyster religious evangelist Peter Popoff and replace his slot with Antiques Roadshow? Come on, we all know the dude is a con man and Channel 9 may think no one is watching television at that hour…but that's not true.

Pretty Please? With sugar on top?

May 22, 2008

From Devils to Bunny Boilers

There's nothing quite like television for broadcasting social experiments. This was what I thought last night as I was watching Balls of Steel. This UK television show compiles segments that feature comedians testing society. One of my favorite scenes involved The Naked Man. Yes, he is fully naked, and walks around (with a backpack) in towns, and the reactions vary. Most people laugh, while others feel (and react) like they've been assaulted. I couldn't find the clip on YouTube. Full frontal nakedness is a YouTube no-no, but another classic Balls of Steel character is The Annoying Devil - a man dressed in a red devil suit, who wreaks havoc.

A full compilation can be found here, but below, you will see a generous devil handing out free umbrellas to passersby, and what do people generally do when offered a freebie?

They take it...

Then there are other characters, including the Bunny Boiler, a female stalker...and I get the feeling that if the man's girlfriend wasn't there, the boyfriend would take the extra step. He just laps up the drama.

May 08, 2008

Oh Brother!

Some newspapers love their cheap serves for ratings, and maybe this approach is yet another way to elevate Big Brother's flagging ratings this year. Perhaps it’s a newspaper blogger’s moral bone to point out wrongs on shows like Big Brother, where almost everything is done as a publicity stunt (so why should they really care?).

The short version: Michael Rafter, a recent evictee from the Big Brother house, gave housemate Brigitte (she of the incredibly bleached blonde mane and fake tits) a serve about her superficial ways and her view of fame (to appear in tit oriented magazines Zoo and Ralph). It’s the classic Big Brother stoush, something that is required every now and then because it would be incredibly boring to watch otherwise.

Garth Montgomery, of the Daily Telegraph, interviewed Michael and revealed the big secret - of Michael’s girlfriend apparently working as a stripper for extra dosh. Michael didn’t take it well. He threatened Garth with legal action, and Garth - in a bit of a tizzy - rang the strip joint to double check the facts, just in case, for the strip joint to verify once more.

Now I don’t get it. I don’t see how pointing out Michael’s alleged hypocrisy is going to solve social ills or anything, but one thing is certain - Big Brother needs ratings, and desperately so. Even the much hyped ‘Big Mouth’ late show didn’t show any risqué action or dare discuss anything risqué. I like Tony Squires, always read his columns, but he didn’t really want to head into any uncharted waters, and I can’t blame him. The TV police, made up by ‘concerned’ (read: TV Nazis) family and religious groups, are always on the lookout for anything they feel is morally bankrupt. Then again, there isn’t anything racy about the Big Brother house this year.

The reality is, Big Brother is getting boring, and it has been boring for the last three to four years. The choice of housemates always verges on stereotype: there is a ‘bimbo’ each year (Brigitte), as there is a token intellectual (read: arrogant bore aka the 2008 dux), token bogan (Rory, Saxon and Renee are a threefer), and it goes on.

Things have to be really dismal if the 'top story' on the official Big Brother site is all about Travis taking a shower!

The Redneck Granny

Australia is fond of the new name for Terri, the oldest Big Brother housemate (in history?).

She is now known as the Redneck Granny. Terri will do whatever it takes to stay in the house, because she thinks she is uber important, even though she only wants a platform to advertise her redneck opinions, and her admiration for screwy politicians like Pauline 'Please Explain' Hanson.

When the housemates first arrived to the house, they were given a shock task of evicting one housemate. More than three male housemates nominated Terri for eviction, but who did Terri choose to punish the following week? She chose to punish Japanese-Australian housemate Nobbi by banishing him from the house, and relocating him to the external combi van for the duration of his stay in the house.

During the second week, she was given another challenge to enable her to remain in the house, and that challenge was to be Corey's guardian in the house. Everyone thought Corey, the My Space party boy, would be a handful, but he's turned out to be thoughtful and quiet. Having a nanna pick on you for ratings is a pain in the butt, and Terri has been that pain in Corey's butt. Apparently, she nags him over stupid things, like letting her peel an orange for him because he may cut himself. He's seventeen, and even if he did cut himself peeling an orange, I'm sure he'd be able to whack on a plaster and get on with his day.

It just goes to show, fame isn't restricted to being a pursuit of the young and reckless. Even nannas desire reality television fame, and Terri will do whatever it takes to remain in the Big Brother house. In my opinion, Big Brother's challenges are quite tame. He should give her something that would really conflict with her morals, like dare her to kiss Nobbi on the mouth, or something similar.

There is a constant black sheep generation, and younger people – in every generation – cop a serve, and are viewed as being the anti-Christ by every older generation.

May 07, 2008

Ladylike

I never thought a television show, and a reality program, could cut down my parental lecture time to my son, but it has happened and it has come via my latest addiction to the UK's version of Pygmalion on ITV, Ladette to Lady. It's the sort of program that should be franchised. We can do with a similar program here in Australia where female binge drinking is on the rise, and a social concern.

I'm an addict. The show tends to make me feel more comfortable about my own time as a younger adult. I wasn't half the demon that some of the ladettes on the show. Ever since my son walked in on me watching it, and became intrigued by a pair of surgically enhanced boobs, and noticed the binge drinking - to say 'Yuck, they're horrible' - a lightbulb went off in my head.

"Now that is an example of what you don't date," I said.
He looked at me as though I was crazy, "as if!"
"I'm just saying,is all" I said.

Some of these girls are unbelievable. Some of them wear their ASBO's with pride, others can't manage to sample an alcoholic beverage to distinguish any flavor - they just knock them down, and end up spewing all over the joint. Here is a taste from the very first episode. We've finally caught up to the current season here in Australia, and all I can say is, good luck to the teachers because I wouldn't have the patience for that sort of crap.

April 17, 2008

The Tube

I have become a late night television viewer. Yep that’s my sordid confession. How has this come about? It all began with the Zoloft, then again it could have begun with my toxic workplace which led to the stress, that led to the Zoloft. My days contain weird phases.

There is the wake up phase that sees me hop out of bed in the morning. I’ll switch on the electric kettle, switch the television (that housemate has left running) off (so I don’t have to watch Karl and Lisa on the Morning Show), and pop my Zoloft.

At 11am I’ll enter the yawning phase, courtesy Zoloft. I’m not sleepy or tired, the yawning is a sideKoatheadtv effect that may come in handy in workplaces or at boring meetings when you feel like saying, ‘can you move along to your next point because this Powerpoint presentation makes bat shit a riveting alternative.’ This bout of yawning (at fifteen minute intervals) doesn’t affect my daily tasks. I can descend the staircase without breaking an ankle, and so far, I haven’t electrocuted myself. All is well.

After midday I may (or may not - depending on what I have going) take time out and writhe and gyrate toward a self made orgasm, to usher in the next phase of the day.

I’ll return to any writing related tasks I have, and then 6pm will come and that is when my eyes fight against the urge to sleep, but I seldom succeed. I fell asleep just before Gordon Ramsay started at 8.30pm and I was miffed when I awoke to the annoying (and trashy) ladettes in From Ladette to Lady an hour and a bit later. It was a relatively short nap but do you think I could fall asleep later? No.

I ended up watching late night trash and what is scarier is that I didn’t mind it one bit. I watched the Top 40 Fashion Disaster countdown and learned that every well dressed celebrity has fashion lapses from time to time. The number one fashion disaster was Celine Dion’s wedding dress (or wedding headpiece that could have been a prop from the now defunct TV Show Coneheads.). The other show that really had me sucked in like a pervy voyeur was Cheaters.

Cheaters was a first for me. I couldn’t believe the format, but I kept on watching it, and watching every tantrum and blowout was like watching a hundred car pile up. I wasn’t sure what was funnier: Cheaters being shown on television, or Cheaters being shown alongside Girls Gone Wild television commercials. Either way there are so many things to say about shows like Cheaters, but I’ll do that later, but for now…I have entered the realm of late night television - and it is addictive. The only good thing is that those late night gambling shows are gone.

image: www.futureplastik.co.uk

April 13, 2008

Showbiz Shenanigans

You’d never think you’d see a female professional (agent) on television go into drama queen overload on national television and tell a fifteen year old contestant, "Visually, I get that you're beautiful. When you put all the other stuff on, you're a slut,’ and this was what Hollywood agent Marki Costello did. Okay she didn't actually say this to the fifteen year old, but what do you think the fifteen year old will think when she watches the show on television?

The contestant wasn’t wearing a garter belt, and she didn’t wear a revealing bra. She wore sequined shorts and a top that didn’t even reveal cleavage. Then again, you can see that in this here video below and judge for yourself. The show's people justify their show by saying that harsh critiques are only uttered to the parents, but how would any parent feel if they were told that their daughter looked like a slut?

So, what is a ‘slut’? Well, Marki Costello's definition can be seen in the below video.

I can’t say that this idiotic reality show illuminated me in any way and hopefully the children (and parents) who partook in it walked away realizing what a superficial industry showbusiness is (and that it has an 80% population of emotionally retarded morons posing as stars, agents and ex child stars), but more importantly what a pain in the  arse it is to be evaluated by mediocre people. If Bonaduce and Costello were so freaking fantastic in Hollywood, then why come all the way to Australia to evaluate (and emotionally torture) children and parents? I watched the premiere of this show last Wednesday thinking it would be insightful, and that it wouldn't be another shlock reality show (because of the children in it), but no, it was a circus of egos - and I'm not talking about the children, I'm talking about two big headed agents and one adult former child star.

Any show with a judging panel consisting of Bonaduce, Markson and Costello is a joke or would be a joke. Bonaduce isn’t one to judge, Costello is abrasive and histrionic, and Markson (Australian agent) signed up Corey Worthington whose claim to fame is advertising a party on MySpace and having his parent’s house trashed by idiots - so who is he to spot talent? I think that was what pissed me off the most. There was Max Markson criticizing kids who had some ability (they weren't professional), and spent some time on their performances, when the reality is that he doesn't care because he's signed up a surly teenager (with not one ounce of personality, let alone talent).

The three judges on My Kid is a Star are cartoon characters and Cameron Daddo should have learned from his axed pirate ship reality television show. Then again most judges on these reality television shows are cartoon characters. The only positive thing about My Kid is a Star is that it is an eye opener for parents to get real and encourage their children to focus on their educations and careers that aren't run by exploitative assholes like certain reality television show producers.

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© Anastasia Mavromatis 2005 - 2008